The not so Secret Diaries Series
by moon-majik
Summary: Just what it says on the tin...
1. The Sheriff

_**Title:** The (not so) secret diaries series  
**Author: **moon-majik  
**Chapter:** The Sheriff  
**Rating:** K  
**Summary: **The Character's keep diaries throughout the legend...which were kept deadly secret...until now. Based on BBC 2006 series.  
**Disclaimer: **Robin Hood...not mine. You know the rest._

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_**The Sheriff:**_

Day One:

Yes! Finally! That pompous King Richard has gone to the Holy lands! He has left me in charge of Nottingham!! Hehe! What fun.

Day Five:

The snivelling Guy of Gisborne! He wants Loxley. Shame, as I quite liked the previous owner, Robnut, or Robdirt or something along those lines. But I played the nice Sheriff and gave him them to Steward. Besides, I like how he looks in black leather. People keep moving furniture in castle.

Day Ten:

Prince John getting quite whiny. Wants to take over England. He's welcome to it as far as I've concerned. What is with the obsessive furniture moving?

Day Fifteen:

Guy is proving a rather fun companion. Have been persuaded to help Prince John. No, the big fat bag of gold did not have anything to do with decision. Nailed down furniture today.

Day twenty-five:

Am quite concerned, Gisborne never appears to change his clothes. Furniture still moving, although not as frequently

Day Thirty:

Gisborne Ill so have nothing to do. Had to Listen to Marian's complaints about there being not enough food for the peasants. Suggested that I just killed a whole load of them so there was enough. Don't think she was very impressed.

Day Forty:

Guy is better, but am now quite certain he doesn't wash his clothes. Found a dormouse in his trouser leg yesterday. If the furniture moves one more time, someone will die. I sat down in my favourite chair and ended up on the floor.

Day Forty-Five

Ok, peasant dead due to insistence of furniture to move about despite best efforts to keep it in one space. Caught Guy gardening today. Spent rather long time admiring how his backside looks in his leather trousers.

Day Fifty

Death of peasant meant nothing to furniture, it still moves around. Guy has finished the gardening. Drat. Now have to find something else to occupy five hours of my day, as staring at his ass is no longer possible.

Day Sixty

My rule is threatened for the first time. That Robnut of Loxley has returned. Apparently he got himself stabbed. Wally. Maybe I should make Guy give him back his lands.

Day Sixty-One

NO! NO! NO!

Day Sixty-Two

Was too upset yesterday. Robnox has freed peasants who were being hung for furniture movement. And I thought we could be friends. He should try living in castle with moving furniture!

Day Sixty-Three

Have officially made Robhat an outlaw. Gave him nickname "Hood" as no one knows who I mean when I say "Robnut." Furniture hasn't moved all day.

Day Sixty-Four

Furniture has disappeared!! Hood has been caught! Is it me, or does he look rather fine as an outlaw?

Day Sixty-Five

Hood escaped. Furniture returned. Think maybe they have something to do with each other. Hood, the notorious Furniture thief.

Day Sixty-Six

Havn't seen Hood all day. Miss him.


	2. Guy of Gisborne

_**Title:** The (not so) secret diaries series  
**Author: **moon-majik  
**Chapter:** Guy of Gisborne  
**Rating:** K  
**Summary: **The Character's keep diaries throughout the legend...which were kept deadly secret...until now. Based on BBC 2006 series.  
**Disclaimer: **Robin Hood...not mine. You know the rest._

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_**Guy of Gisborne:**_

Day One:

The. King. Has. Gone. Away. Without. Me.

Day Four:

Inconsolable. I need Cheering up. Yes. Land is what I need.

Day Six:

That Sheriff is an idiot. He gave me Robin of Loxley's lands. Which practically comes with a free pass into the Castle whenever I want. Don't know who decorated the place. Moved some furniture around to lighten place up.

Day Eight:

Sheriff whining about furniture moving. This could be fun

Day Eleven:

Spent day talking Sheriff into helping Prince John taking his throne from his brother. Evil, nasty King. He left without me. Moved Sheriff's bed to the roof.

Day Fifteen:

Received big fat bag of gold from Prince John. Decided not to tell him I decided to help him days ago. Bought a new pair of black leather trousers, old ones started to smell. Moved the very large table to the entrance hall.

Day Sixteen:

Sheriff has actually nailed down furniture. Guess swapping his privy seat for his favourite chair was not appreciated. Funny.

Day Twenty-Nine

Have made arrangements to tell Sheriff I am Ill. Really, I'm off to Mordor with five hairy short men, a hairy tall man, a grey bearded dude with a hat and a blonde poncy, pointy-eared man.

Day Forty

Mordor not impressive. Big volcano blew up and ruined my tan. Bought a pet dormouse, but lost it on the flight home.

Day Forty-Five

Sheriff killed peasant. Not sure why. Decided to take up gardening, as gnomes not doing good enough job. Sheriff delighted.

Day Fifty:

Finished the gardening. Castle now looking tidy, although I'm covered in dirt. Black comes in useful you know. Sheriff taken up singing "You Naughty Naughty Woman" at me under his breath.

Day Fifty-One:

Repeated singing getting quite annoying

Day Fifty-Five:

Plan in motion to remove all furniture from castle. Its about time Loxley manner has a make over. Debating whether to hire "Extreme Makeover: home edition" or "Changing Rooms" Asked Marian for advice. She's more worried about the fate of the starving populace than the state of my house.

Day Sixty:

Robin of Loxley returned during filming of show. Not impressed. Got kicked out, so he could have a bath with his multi-coloured jumper friend.

Day Sixty-One:

Spent day Hiding from Sheriff, who was sulking. Who is this "Robnut" he keeps mumbling about

Day Sixty-Two

Ah. Robnut is Robin of Loxley. Switched around all furniture in all rooms. Bedroom now in Kitchen, Kitchen now in Great Hall, Great Hall now in study, study now in privy, Privy now in bedroom.

Day Sixty-Three

Too busy to move furniture. Robin of Loxley is an outlaw. Loxley Manner is mine again! Rejoice. Hood had a house party and left me with one hell of a mess to tidy up.

Day Sixty-Four

Thanks to Hood, Sheriff out of castle all day. Master plan went ahead. No furniture in castle when returned. Sheriff didn't notice at first. Too excited. We had captured Hood.

Day Sixty-Five

Visited Hood in jail yesterday. Man is actually rather sexy. He seemed to admire my leather. He escaped. During drama, we put Furniture back. Sheriff now convinced that Hood is cause of all his furniture troubles.

Day Sixty-Six

Sheriff spent all day at window waiting for Hood. Outlaw didn't show. Didn't have the heart to move furniture, as Sheriff depressed.


	3. Alan A Dale

_**Title:** The (not so) secret diaries series  
**Author: **moon-majik  
**Chapter:** Alan. A. Dale  
**Rating:** K  
**Summary: **The Character's keep diaries throughout the legend...which were kept deadly secret...until now. Based on BBC 2006 series.  
**Disclaimer: **Robin Hood...not mine. You know the rest._

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_This diary starts on day 59 of Gisborne's and the Sheriff's diary_.

_**Alan A. Dale.**_

Day One

Something scary happened today! Got caught poaching deer…well, actually, didn't shoot it, big man in chain mail made it run away. Was about to shout at big man in chain mail and get irate because he made me loose my dinner. Realised big man in chain mail was a guard. Ran.

Day One – a little later.

Got caught. Explained about wife and unborn child. Didn't seem to sway them. Decided to plead guilty and have them take my finger instead of my hand. Was being brave. Until saw the axe. Then not so brave. Changed my mind.

Day One – a little later still

Man in hood my hero! Saved my life with nifty little arrow trick. Seemed amused by the whole thing. Well, angry about my hand, amused by the fact he kept missing. I ran away.

Day Two

Caught again. Waited for man in hood to save me. Didn't come.

Day Three

Persuaded guards that I am from Loxley. Met Robin of Loxley. Robin of Loxley knows man in hood… he told him about my pregnant wife. Told him wife had had child. Didn't seem impressed.

Day Four

Am to be hanged. Very distressed. Spent evening persuading guards that I am mankind's last hope against the evil wizards. Showed him scar on forehead and everything. Guard not interested. Don't want to be from Loxley anymore.

Day Five

Started day with noose around neck. Robin of Loxley had to hang us. He rescued us. Very flamboyant and totally unnecessary – Saying "Do not hang them" would have done. Now living in forest.

Day Five – later

Strapped to Tree in underwear. Should have worn vest.

Day six

Still strapped to tree. Not the most endearing of places to be. There's something slimy crawling up my leg.

Day six – later

Ha! Tied up outlaws. No longer tied to tree. Turns out something slimy was Much's pet caterpillar. Much was distraught until I managed to detach it from thigh. Oh. Robin of Loxley was hooded man! Its such a small world.

Day six – a bit later

Day getting rather repetitive. We are now tied up again. Not to tree this time, but to each other. Outlaws want reward for Robin. Robin unconscious and drooling, not a pretty sight.

Day six – a bit later still

Sheriff cutting out tongues. Ugh. Robin gave himself up. Met John's wife…nice girl, screams a lot. Much very depressed. Got shirt back, so am happy. No longer tied up. Thank God.

Day Seven

Much left last night to rescue Robin. Found him asleep on a ladder this morning. Rescued Robin. Again, rescue far to flamboyant. Sneak in, get Robin, sneak out. Didn't happen. Back in the forest. We are all friends now. Ready for a nice, quiet day tomorrow.


	4. Much

_**Title:** The (not so) secret diaries series  
**Author: **moon-majik  
**Chapter:** Much  
**Rating:** K  
**Summary: **The Character's keep diaries throughout the legend...which were kept deadly secret...until now. Based on BBC 2006 series.  
**Disclaimer: **Robin Hood...not mine. You know the rest._

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**_Much_**

_1187_

Day One:

Overheard Robin telling Marian he wants to go and join the crusade, Odd. He's not mentioned anything like that to me before.

Day Two:

Robin has gone to war. Without me. I am now going to buy Tesco's entire stock of 'Ben and Jerry's cookie dough' Ice cream and watch Chick Flicks and wallow in my sadness until he returns. Yes. All five years!

Day Four:

Robin returned. Good. I was getting fat. He said he hadn't forgotten me, he was just going ahead to make sure it was safe. He is so thoughtful!

Day Five:

We both set off for War. Long trip ahead. Good job I thought to bring my I-Pod.

Day twenty:

Still not there. Spent the last five days trudging through a bog with a boy and a dragon called Saphira. Apparently, they aren't going the same way as us, but they told very good stories. They told us to look out for an odd creature called Smeagol.

Day twenty-five:

Acquired a pet caterpillar. Didn't know what to call it. Made a list and asked rest of party. Robin said "Catty" so I crossed that off. King Richard suggested "Gee-Wizz." Didn't like that either.

Day twenty-six

Caterpillar called Robin. Now gets very confusing when King Richard calls for Robin, as Caterpillar goes instead.

Day twenty-seven

Found out that Robin (the man) is sending Robin (the Caterpillar) to the King instead of him on purpose. Attached lead to Robin (caterpillar) so he can't wander off.

Day Fifty

Finally made it to Holy Land. Doesn't look very Holy to me. Full of people exactly like us, doing exactly what we were, ie. Killing people we didn't know.

Day fifty-one

Have finished my stock of Ben and Jerry's. First Mission – find a tescos!

_1191_

Day One:

Lost Diary. Found it in Robin's underwear drawer. Didn't ask. Still no ice cream. Not even frozen Yoghurt.

Day Five:

Caterpillar count: 99. All of them called Robin. Nothing interesting is happening. Just people hitting each other with swords. Starting to crave a bath. Honestly, how am I supposed to be a manservant to Robin when he is never in one place long enough? Aside from stealing my diary, he has to be involved in everything. Yesterday, he went to help the Saracen slaves dig the latrine. Idiot.

Day nineteen

Robin Stabbed. No one knows whether or not he will survive. Very distressed. On a brighter note, he did save the King's life.

Day twenty

Two distraught to write.

Day twenty-two.

Robin awake. Party in the main tent!!! Party interrupted by surgeon, who informed us he had taken a fever. Robin expected to die.

Day twenty-four

Robin no better. But no worse. King anxious to move on. Have taken to sitting on him as I will not let him go until Robin is better. Still no Ice cream.

Day twenty-six

Spent yesterday in the stocks. Apparently King does not like being sat on. Robin no better.

Day twenty-seven

King left. Left me and Robin and Surgeon. Says if Robin recovers we can go home. Held on to Kings ankle and he dragged me half the way down the road. Didn't do any good.

Day Forty

Ran out of card games to play with Surgeon. Robin still no better. Decided to go and see if I could find a Sainsbury's, as apparently Tesco's are not aware of the Holy Land's exisitance. Mission failed again. Still no Ice cream.

Day fifty

Robin awake. No party as there is only three of us. Starting to get hungry. Robin had feverish dreams all night, so no sleep for me. Yelling Marian's name a lot. Wonder if there was something going on between them.

Day sixty

Had no sleep for ten days. Would stab Robin myself if I had half the chance. With my sleep deprived mind the way it is, I could claim insanity and get off easy.

Day seventy

Robin getting better. Slowly. Can walk around now. Got a nice scar on his side now. Shame its not on his forehead, we could pretend to be Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, and get discounts on things like Ice cream. And cheese.

Day 100

Finally! Surgeon declares Robin well enough to travel. We can leave the holy land.

Day 120

Got waylaid by strange man and woman with strange accents, looking for the Holy Grail. They seemed to be sure that it was in England. Convinced them otherwise, pointing them in the direction of Jerusalam. Realised after they had hurried off that that was where the fighting was. Hope they bought armour.

Day 125

Rain. Rain. Rain. And here I thought that the Holly Land was a desert. You know, desert equals no rain. But no. It does Rain. A lot.

Day 130

Need. Ice. Cream. Cheese would be nice. And Pork. And beef. Ooh, and those little potatoes… and chocolate éclairs. Profiteroles. Cream! And jelly…ice-cream and jelly! Peanut Butter. Any old butter. Bread.

Day 131

Robin duck taped my mouth shut.

Day 132

Duck tape beginning to hurt.

Day 140

Haven't spoken to Robin for 7 days. He pulled the Duck Tape of my mouth when I was asleep. It hurt! If I had wanted my moustache waxed, I would have gone to a salon.

Day 150

Spent last 10 days singing. At the top of my voice. Robin spent 9 and a half days with his fingers in his ears. Oh well.

Day 365 (1/4)

We are home! Finally! Robin cried. I was much more manly and hid behind the horse and cried. Finally! A country that has heard of Tesco's and Ben and Jerry's. Robin wanted to head straight for Loxley. So we did.

_1192_

Day One

Rescued a man who was poaching! Convinced a lot of guards that there was a lot of men. Then gave the game away. Meant we had to run. The Ben and Jerry's better be worth this! Robin wouldn't let me sing. He is just jealous.

Day Two

Very close to Loxley. Man offered to feed us if we dug his ditch. Still waiting on that food. Robin made out with mans daughter. Man not impressed. Robin showed off and threw himself backwards off the building. Involved more running. Ben and Jerry's better HAD be worth all this running. Oh well, at least the weight I put on before leaving for the Holy land has gone now.

Day Three

Arrived in Loxley. Distraught. New Sheriff has demolished Tesco's to make room for the extension to his Castle. Followed Robin all around the place, think we went to Marian's and she threatened us with a bow. Maybe there wasn't anything going on between Marian and Robin.

Day Five

Spent yesterday sulking. Still upset about Tesco's. Rescued some men who were going to be hanged. Seem to be rescuing men a lot. Hope we don't make a habit of it, as it's a bit hazardous to our health.

Day Six

Spent the morning arguing with a group of outlaws. Kept tying each other up. Entertaining to start with, but tedious when it continued after lunch. Robin gave himself up to the Sheriff. Told him not to, as don't see how it can get him to build a new Tesco's, but Robin obstinant. Think Little John killed his remaining brain cells when he knocked him out. I'm going to save him, even if obnoxious outlaws don't want to.

Day seven

Spent night on ladder as threatened by dog. Nasty creatures. Rescued in morning my same group of obnoxious outlaws. Apologised for calling them obnoxious. Rescued Robin. Now have to live in forest. Gutted.


End file.
